Confession: I do. All the time. Lately, at least.
I probably shouldn’t have said that. I mean, they say “confidence is key,” and “fake it til you make it,” right?
Don’t let your weaknesses show.
Too bad I’m genuine, almost to a fault, and any kind of faux-confidence I exhibit will come crashing down in mere minutes. No faking it here. I’m honest. I’m just me. Sometimes I like this person, this me, while other times I wish I could- like a Looney Tunes character- unzip my outer skin and step out of it and into someone else’s.
But I can’t. So I have learned to cope on those days when waking up, putting on something halfway cute, and making it to my 11 am lecture is about all I can handle. Food helps, temporarily. As does running. Chocolate. Loud music. Phone calls with family. Netflix.
And I get by. But these kinds of “I feel like a weak, tired, failing loser”-days have been happening more and more often to me, each one leaving me more drained. It’s getting hard to keep up my characteristic smile, to fight the negativity I beat several years ago when “The Power of Positive Thinking” became my favorite book and I decided I will see the glass as half-full.
So why has this been happening? Here’s a hint. It has to do with the most important thing in my life, and its lack of a place on the above list.
In case you’re stuck, it’s God. Not just the most important thing in my life, but the reason for my life. The creator of life, in general. As a follower of Christ, I am saved. Redeemed. Loved. Forgiven on the daily.
And I’m running from this power, this love, and I’m trying to solve my problems with Netflix and chocolate.
A great sermon I heard on campus tonight helped me to realize this, that we often run away from God, rather than to him. We try to clean ourselves up a bit, manage our own problems. We forget that Jesus died precisely because we are total messes. We do need help.
And help is available, every day, regardless of whether we deserve it or not. Because guess what? We never deserve it. But it’s there. We never have to hide in shame.
Hebrews 4:16 even tells us: “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
I, for one, am going to accept that offer. I’m going to admit that no, I’m not okay, and no, I can’t do this on my own. I’m going to stop fighting, but keep running: just in the other direction.
Song of the Day: Wake Up by All Sons & Daughters
Further reading on the topic: Roman 5:1-2, Ephesians 2:18, 2 Corinthians 12:8-9